Let Fear Be Your Guide
Biking to Japan Week #39
Since Last Time
I wake up every morning in the same $14 hotel room feeling like the walls are slowly closing in. The mattress is hard. The pillowcase has fabric softener which is giving me acne. Outside the window is Ulaanbaatar smog so thick it turns the sun orange by 9 am. I lie there for a minute staring at the ceiling. Wondering if today’s the day the visa magically appears or if I’m just gonna rot here till spring.
Then I get up, put on the same three layers I’ve worn for months, and shuffle to the kettle in the kitchen. Breakfast is a pack of pre-cooked chicken and instant coffee+milk that actually tastes like heaven (Mongolia has the best milk). After that it’s hours of killing time—walking the same four blocks because it’s too cold to explore properly, dodging traffic that almost makes Kabul look organized. Ripping darts. Drinking overpriced lattes in a cafes where people are mostly too shy to talk to me.
Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 3 pm I put on my nicest (only) crewneck and hike across the city to the Chinese embassy. Same security guard, same metal detector that I no longer have to use because they know me. “Any update?” the consul employee barely looks up. “No.” Cool. See you Wednesday.
Back to the cafe. Open the laptop. Stare at premiere pro. Try to make content about waiting.
Route Recap
Start: Lisbon, Portugal
End: Tokyo, Japan
Total Distance: ~11,000 miles (16,000 kilometers)
Key gear: patch kit, tent, cigs
Key stops so far: Portugal, Spain, France, Italy, Albania, North Macedonia, Greece, Turkey, Iran, Azerbaijan, Kazakhstan, Uzbekistan, Afghanistan, Tajikistan, Kyrgyzstan, Kazakhstan, Russia, Mongolia
Key stops coming up: ???
Reflection / What I learned
People think I’m fearless. A confident world traveler running wildly from near-death experience to near-death experience. I’m not. Every big thing i’ve ever done first felt like it was gonna kill me. Biking afghanistan. Ethiopia. Iran while bombs were falling. Jumping out of planes. Moving to North Dakota with no plan and sleeping in my car until I got a $13/hr job picking parts at a truck dealership. Every single time my stomach dropped and my brain said stop.
Here’s the trick I stumbled into: when I have two options and one scares me way more, that’s the one I take. It’s never failed me yet.
Fear isn’t the stop sign we were sold. It’s a compass. The sharp stomach twist is just your body saying “this one actually matters.” Most people treat it like a wall. They turn around. And growth stops right there.
There’s survival fear (Taliban checkpoint, 4,000m pass in a blizzard) and there’s expansion fear (hitting publish on something raw, having a conversation that you’ve been avoiding.) Some real ones I’ve felt lately:
Hitting publish on the post where I talk about doing heroin in my twenties. My finger hovered over the button for like 20 minutes.
Talking with a girl at a techno show in Mongolia. Sounds stupid but it scares me more than the Taliban.
Telling my dad I’m proud of him. We’ve never said that kind of thing out loud. Makes me nervous just thinking about it.
Getting paid. I’ve never charged for anything on Substack. Do I really offer that kinda value. Imposter syndrome.
Admitting on camera that I still get sad even after all this “dream life” traveling. Feels like I’m ruining the brand.
Asking for help. Any kind. Feels like I’m proving I don’t have my shit together.
The pattern is always the same: the thing that could actually change who I am is the thing that scares me most. So when the IG poll said fly to Korea and keep moving (by 55%), it felt wrong.
When I’m stuck on a decision now I just ask: which option makes me feel a lil sick?
This time it is festering in uncertainty. Biking in -20 through the Gobi. That’s the one. It’s never wrong.
Traveler Tip of the Week
Do one thing every day that scares you. Eleanor Roosevelt said it, but I’m stealing it. Works on bikes. Works off bikes. Works everywhere.
Be more brave.
Progress on the Map
Distance Ridden Since Last Time: 0 miles (0 km)
Total Distance Ridden: 9,593 miles (15,438 km)
What’s Next
Keep waiting on china. Keep riding east. Keep choosing the option that makes my hands shake a lil. If the visa comes through I ride east and freeze. If it doesn’t maybe I’ll fold and take the plane. Or I might do something dumb with a Russian train.
Have a lovely weekend,
Ian
Writing from the states, can’t fall asleep and got the notification you posted. I’m a current college senior trying to figure out my own journey, & watching your videos honestly keeps me grounded as to how many different paths I can take. Simultaneously exciting & terrifying, but as you said, do the thing that scares you. Downloaded Substack just to read your posts. Keep pushing, thanks for the update.
“Fear isn’t the stop sign we were sold. It’s a compass.” Oh man. I will try to be more brave from now on. I hope you consider writing a book someday. People could learn so, so much from you. Wishing you a speedy Chinese visa. You’re almost there. Much love from Texas.